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I will still be writing on this site….however, if you enjoy reading this garbage, then maybe you’ll enjoy my other work. http://geturswellon.blogspot.com/

Power Washers and Public Restrooms

I felt the need to write a little something from work tonight. A couple of reasons for that… first, I experienced something a little disturbing; second, I needed to cleanse the mental palate and take a small break from the mundane tasks of the evening.

Public restrooms are uniquely special places…..filled with their own sights, sounds, smells and in some cases tastes. The office restroom that I use is a 3-hole’r…the break-down is two urinals and one stall. It’s recently been updated to include hands free sinks (times two), electronic hands free soap dispensers, towel dispensers and of course the hands free A-U-T-O-M-A-T-I-C flush.

The automatic flush seems…..on the surface, to be a great invention. No more touching the nasty germ/shit infested shitter handle, kids will have a tougher time flooding restrooms and maybe in the greater scheme of things less use of water. I’m not sure if there is a sensitivity setting that can be adjusted or if perhaps I was being “punk’d.” In the five minutes I was utilizing the stall the toilet flushed itself 12 times. If I leaned forward…..flush, if I twisted…….flush, if I coughed…..flush, if I inhaled to deeply…..flush, if I winked my left eye…..flush, if I farted…..flush, if I barked like a dog…..flush, if I waved my hand in front of my nose…..flush, if I completed a little paperwork…..flush. Which would have been fine; I prefer to max out my carbon footprint, fuck my great, great, great grandkids I’m sure they’ll all be failures anyway. No, the disturbing part was the fact that this particular toilet apparently has the soul of a power washer. With every flush I got bathed in two gallons of nasty.

Craigs list bullies, and Lieberdowskian Logic

I recentlly posted an add on Craig's list in order to sell an ejection seat that I had laying around. Some of you reading this may find this strange if it wasn't coming from the mouth of Lieberdowski; none the less, I posted the sale item, and then three days later recieved the following question to my email inbox.

The following conversation is between Randy and myself via email.....oh, one more thing that should be noted, Randy's email address is jesusluvsya@XXXXXXXX, so really......how could I not make fun of this guy.

Randy to Me:

isnt that illegal to own

Me to Randy:

Randy,

It's not illegal to own.....why would you ask that? I'm assuming that you're not a buyer or a person who is interested in my sale item. I do however feel that you are someone who just likes to ask ridiculous questions, and apparently is in need of more friends. There's a spot for both of those things on Craig's list, so I guess you're in luck. My advise to you......is, if you're not interested in buying, then maybe you should post some questions or helpful thoughts over in the forum areas instead of wasting my time.

Thanks for your time,

L.

P.S-Jesus doesnt' luv you......

Randy to Me:

advise to you _> GO GUK YOURSELF BITCH STIK SEAT UP URMOTHERS COCK LOVING SMELLY ASS BITCH EMAIL ME AGAIN AND U WILL BE LOCATED AN STOP HARRASSING PEOPLE YOU COCKSUCKER

Me to Randy:

Dearest Tough Guy,

First off I'd like to suggest that maybe you change your name to Butch, Spike, or perhaps even Rocky. I feel that these names are a lot tougher than, Randy. Second, I'm assuming that you only have a 4th grade level of education; since, you cannot form a proper sentence, are lacking in over all grammar and since you don't appear smart enough to use spell check. Furthermore, for the record, I'm not the one harassing, nor am I being verbally aggressive (apparently that's your job). Third, I'm not worried at all about "BE LOCATED" since you cannot use a spell check......well I really doubt that you're smart enough, or computer savoy enough to even attempt to "locate" me. No. If I had to guess I'd say that the extent of your computer skill is limited to emailing and watching Internet porn. At-A-BOY! Forth, thank you.......thank you for allowing me to keep my faith in humanity. Some days you wake up and you're positive, perhaps even an idealist, but then someone like you comes around really puts things back into perspective. Fifth, you are a troll, enjoy your time on the Internet because it is the only place that you will ever feel accepted. Sixth, your anger is unfounded, my response was a constructed communication meant to guide you forward in a more socially acceptable way. Judging from your response you clearly do not know the meaning of the word "irony" and you are no stranger to being laughed at. Seventh, you need more hugs. So much anger my friend! I fear for your health; harboring that much rage can only be the result of years worth of self-loathing and sadness. Eighth, you may be a terrorist and a threat to this great country. At first glance I couldn't even read the words you were trying to write, I actually thought you were writing in Arabic and forgot to turn off the caps lock. I soon realized that your English is so broken that you must have to communicate to other people with pictures or grunting sounds. This leads me to my final point........I fear for your soul. Without question I am going to hell, hopefully I'll see you there, I think we could be friends. Unfortunately for you, you seem to be retarded which means not only that God hates you, but Satan won't even let you into Hell. I guess you'll have to bring along some good books and Cd's when you die because I hear that purgatory is a pretty boring place.....

Take care and I hope you get your 77 virgins a long, long time from now when you die of old age my friend,

Yours Truly,

Lieberdowski

Randy to Me:

grow up pussy your emails are now blocked bye dumbass ha ha ha ha ha

Touche Randy.....touche, that was the last message that was received from my friend Randy....he is a truly eloquent writer, and a very deep thinker.

L.

Right Side Up, Wrong Side Down

Let’s talk about fax machines. I really wish I could sit here and inundate your brain with rainbows and fucking sunshine about how amazing faxing technology is; however, this is not the case, and fax machines are the devil!
Fax machines are the most worthless piece of technology ever invented! What’s that? You think I’m lying, and faxes are not the F-ing devil? Well, here’s a challenge to you my friend….attempt to send a 5 page fax, in one try, while devoting less than 15 minutes of your life to it. All I have to say is, GOOD LUCK! The previous stated challenge is just another human, physical, limitation sort of challenge, such as attempting to drink a gallon of milk in an hour without throwing up, or eating 25 saltine crackers in under a minute……..it’s just not going to happen. Now….onward to the art of faxing.



Please Dial ‘9’:

First, you’re going to need to dial the right number. This to me seems as if it should be the easiest step…..LOL, we all know that’s not the case. There are several obstacles to overcome; such as, do I have the correct number, is the receiving fax machine on, or is the receiving machine on a duel line, and is it even plugged into the jack. The complexities of the first list continues to grow with such questions as…..is the receiving fax machine busy, do I need to dial a ‘9’ or a ‘1’ before dial out, and or wtf is this error message that keeps flashing on the display.

The Alabaster Whore:

Once we have the correct fax number entered, the planets have aligned, and the statue of the Madonna begins to weep blood; then we can move on to step two, which is the breaking down of physical data into electronic impulses.
Let’s say you’re attempting to send that 5 page fax……easy peasy, just take all 5 pages toss them…..ha, sorry, six pages because we all know you have to send a cover page, so that the recipient of the fax knows who is sending the fax and why…..ok, toss all six pages into the basket and hit send, copy, start (or your respective ‘go’ button because no two fax machines are alike) and away she goes.
I wish it was that easy and I hope it is for you and your fancy fax machine; however, I work for the state and the cheap little plastic whore of a fax machine that I have to use……well let’s just say there’s an art to it. This, shit-astic fax machine, which I refer to as the “alabaster whore,” is unable to load more than one page at a time; therefore, in order to send more than one page at a time, you need to individually load each page, and time each additional page just perfect or you’ll miss the window and send incomplete faxes. Which brings us to…….

The Mystery Page:

Ah, my personal favorite…..the mystery page. You get a mystery page when you scan the wrong side of the faxed item, thus the receiver of said intended fax, gets a white piece of paper that only contains your fax number. There’s really nothing hurt in the mystery page process, except for personal pride and losing all creditability in the eyes of the intended receiver. I would like to thank the Cannon Corporation for the illegible diagram which demonstrates how to scan the item properly. It’s not helpful at all, but they gave it a good try.

Those Shameless Capitalists:

You know what….I’ve really been negative about the world of fax machines; however, there is a positive light to them as well, yes sir, the world of advertising! I don’t know about you, but I love getting to work and shredding 15-20 pages of advertisements that somehow found there way to the alabaster whore. Apparently single Russian women find me attractive and just can’t stop trying to get a hold of me via fax. If anyone needs good rates on some health benefits, cruises or can’t get there dick hard anymore……give me a call I have some adds for those issues as well.

I just don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for this brilliant and mind shattering invention. I know in this sped up, need everything in a second world, that I’d be lost if it wasn’t for fax machines. Thank you hot Russian singles for using up my ink and paper, thank you Cannon for your lack of proper placarding, thank you I.T. men and women every where for never setting up two networks a like, and Fuck you US Postal Service….I’m a fax’n man!

L.

My Fellow Manly-Men

If you get cut do you bleed red, white and blue? Do you eat red meat, get drunk and start fights? Are you an a-typical, masculine, manly-man? If you are then you're also brave, so I challenge you to step up and take the test below, you manly-man.

Below is a test that was first designed by William Whewell as a test of man-hood. This test was later revised and adapted to fit the "American Model" in 1971 by co-editers Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal. Then in 1992 it was agian revised due to that fact that only .05% of men that took the test survived.

What's that you say? You're shying away from the test?!?! Maybe you feel that you're not manly enough to even attempt this test, I say take it anyway because it also can be used as a reference point to see how manly you are, and what areas you need to improve on.

Let me start you down the right path in regards to what it means to be an “American Man,” please follow along and answer yes or no as applicable;

A) Do you eat red meat?
B) Do you own a large caliber weapon?
C) Do you smoke?
D) Do you go to war?
E) Do you hate Native Americans?
F) Do you own a 2nd large caliber weapon?
G) Do you have any articles of clothing that display the American Flag?
H) Do you drink heavily?
I) Do you shout obscenities and ‘boo’ when foreign nation anthems are being played?
J) Do you have a horn on your vehicle that honks “Dixie?”
K) Do you laugh at the idea of a “carbon footprint?”
L) Do you own a 3rd large caliber weapon?
M) Have you always wanted your very own Knight Industries Two Thousand?
N) Do you run moonshine?
O) Do you hate persons from the Middle East?
P) Is John Wayne your hero?
Q) Should the US government increase revenue and decrease illegal immigration by adding an “illegal immigrant hunting season?”
R) Do you own a 4th large caliber weapon?

S) Do you start fights?

T) Do you beat your wife or girlfriend?
U) Does Pamela Anderson have great tits?

If you have answered ‘no’ to any of these then I’m sorry, but you are not a true American man. I suspect over 99.3456395742% of you are not "true American men." Don't be ashamed it is truly a large title to fill, but maybe with a little work and that fighting American spirt.....one day you will nut up and be a man.

L.

Billboard Religion

Dear Giant Billboard Jesus,


Why are you starring at me like that?!?!?!?!?


You've been placed in the perfect location.....just on the other side of this hill. You sneak attack motorists like a Viet Cong raid party; however, instead of MORTARS and SHIT COVERED BAMBOO STAKES, your weapons of choice are SHAME and GUILT. Motorists who may be contemplating penetrating several barnyard animals, or how they got drunk the night before and stole a gallon of chex mix, they crown your hill, only to see YOU on the other side holding your large stick of shame, and a bud heavy....CONGRATULATIONS Billboard Jesus you beat the fuck out of these sinners for the next half mile. Your guilt filled judging cardboard eyes, and stick of shame, cut right to the CORE, the SOUL, the FABRIC of many motorists, but Billboard Jesus, don't preach to me....don't stare at me with those judging eyes....you're just a MARKETING PLOY, hung on the billboard just like you where hung on the cross...by IGNORANT PEOPLE for all the WRONG REASONS.

I'm not like may motorists Billboard Jesus, I'm not having wicked thoughts as I crown your hill....no, I'm thinking about how it's possible for STEVEN SEAGAL to be a level 200 night elf druid, when the level cap is only set at 80, and how sweet 'N sour pork doesn't taste anything like chicken....that's when I pass over the top of the hill, and that's when I see YOU. Do you know what song came on the radio at that very instance Billboard Jesus?! AC/DC's "Highway to Hell," in my line of work there's no such thing as COINCIDENCE.

I was on a "Highway to Hell," and I want to THANK YOU....you didn't make me want to repent my ways, change anything about my life, or give money to the church, but you DID make me THIRSTY. I'm now driving down this HIGHWAY TO HELL.......with a BUD HEAVY, god damn I love capitalism!!!!!

L.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Calvin

How I try to live my life…….

Spaceman Spiff……An intrepid adventurer who does not fear the unknown; a man who attacks life with the tenacity of a conquering horde.



Tracer Bullet……Do I really have to say anything about this one? Life would be almost worthless without great one-liners and a die-hard take on the world single handed attitude!