Right Side Up, Wrong Side Down

Let’s talk about fax machines. I really wish I could sit here and inundate your brain with rainbows and fucking sunshine about how amazing faxing technology is; however, this is not the case, and fax machines are the devil!
Fax machines are the most worthless piece of technology ever invented! What’s that? You think I’m lying, and faxes are not the F-ing devil? Well, here’s a challenge to you my friend….attempt to send a 5 page fax, in one try, while devoting less than 15 minutes of your life to it. All I have to say is, GOOD LUCK! The previous stated challenge is just another human, physical, limitation sort of challenge, such as attempting to drink a gallon of milk in an hour without throwing up, or eating 25 saltine crackers in under a minute……..it’s just not going to happen. Now….onward to the art of faxing.



Please Dial ‘9’:

First, you’re going to need to dial the right number. This to me seems as if it should be the easiest step…..LOL, we all know that’s not the case. There are several obstacles to overcome; such as, do I have the correct number, is the receiving fax machine on, or is the receiving machine on a duel line, and is it even plugged into the jack. The complexities of the first list continues to grow with such questions as…..is the receiving fax machine busy, do I need to dial a ‘9’ or a ‘1’ before dial out, and or wtf is this error message that keeps flashing on the display.

The Alabaster Whore:

Once we have the correct fax number entered, the planets have aligned, and the statue of the Madonna begins to weep blood; then we can move on to step two, which is the breaking down of physical data into electronic impulses.
Let’s say you’re attempting to send that 5 page fax……easy peasy, just take all 5 pages toss them…..ha, sorry, six pages because we all know you have to send a cover page, so that the recipient of the fax knows who is sending the fax and why…..ok, toss all six pages into the basket and hit send, copy, start (or your respective ‘go’ button because no two fax machines are alike) and away she goes.
I wish it was that easy and I hope it is for you and your fancy fax machine; however, I work for the state and the cheap little plastic whore of a fax machine that I have to use……well let’s just say there’s an art to it. This, shit-astic fax machine, which I refer to as the “alabaster whore,” is unable to load more than one page at a time; therefore, in order to send more than one page at a time, you need to individually load each page, and time each additional page just perfect or you’ll miss the window and send incomplete faxes. Which brings us to…….

The Mystery Page:

Ah, my personal favorite…..the mystery page. You get a mystery page when you scan the wrong side of the faxed item, thus the receiver of said intended fax, gets a white piece of paper that only contains your fax number. There’s really nothing hurt in the mystery page process, except for personal pride and losing all creditability in the eyes of the intended receiver. I would like to thank the Cannon Corporation for the illegible diagram which demonstrates how to scan the item properly. It’s not helpful at all, but they gave it a good try.

Those Shameless Capitalists:

You know what….I’ve really been negative about the world of fax machines; however, there is a positive light to them as well, yes sir, the world of advertising! I don’t know about you, but I love getting to work and shredding 15-20 pages of advertisements that somehow found there way to the alabaster whore. Apparently single Russian women find me attractive and just can’t stop trying to get a hold of me via fax. If anyone needs good rates on some health benefits, cruises or can’t get there dick hard anymore……give me a call I have some adds for those issues as well.

I just don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for this brilliant and mind shattering invention. I know in this sped up, need everything in a second world, that I’d be lost if it wasn’t for fax machines. Thank you hot Russian singles for using up my ink and paper, thank you Cannon for your lack of proper placarding, thank you I.T. men and women every where for never setting up two networks a like, and Fuck you US Postal Service….I’m a fax’n man!

L.